Monday, January 03, 2005

manic monday

It depresses me when i have a feeling of impending doom on certain things happening in my life --- you know the feeling, it's the emotion you can't shake of that something bad is bound to happen and you can't do anything to stop it. In this case, that unshakable dread has been haunting me since yesterday. Try as i can to not think about it, i do, and i hate it.

I hate feeling this way. This year is supposed to be a great year, and i feel horrible that i'm starting it with a dreadful outlook. I MUST think otherwise, else i go mad from all this. Yargh. If only there is a perma-happy pill that can make me forget the bad things and just focus on the good, a pill that can make me eternally happy no matter how much heartache i feel.

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i am hoping that this year will give me some answers, answers to questions which have been left out for some time now. I am hoping that this year will not end in heartache but continued love and happiness, of which brings life into my overcast existence. i am hoping that sooner or later i may find clarity in what i truly want, what i truly enjoy, what i truly love in this world. Perhaps then i can really decide on what to do...

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How can i make a difference when i am left an empty shell of disillusion? How can i aspire to change things when i have very little hope in me? I cannot see the joy that is around me, for i am consumed by doubt and depression which continues to mock me in my dreams. I cannot fathom the idea of love when i see doubt in my source of love. I cannot muster enough happiness to conceal and repel the sadness i have within me...

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